No More Hiding

Mom

In a recent meditation I told myself adamantly that I need for she and I to sit with a therapist/objective/non-emotionally attached 3rd party. I’m shutting her out right now because I feel that I need to protect my heart. Everything about her (more so when we are in the same location/face to face) screams “I don’t agree with your life, Krista/Daughter.” I’m spiritually sick of feeling as though I’m receiving that energy from her. I feel that for the first time in my entire life I am truly moving ahead with making authentic decisions. To feel like you face a wall from your closest people is the worst. I have also realized that this is just part of my life experience. As with my mom, either she will let down the wall I perceive for her to have up or I’m moving on. It just feels too negative. My dilemma more so now is that I want her to see Kairo as much as possible.

It’s been a while…

Lots of inner peace moments over the last few months, but they are still trampled all too often by the years of ingrained turmoil.  Realizing that it was my mother that held me back while growing up.  No blame, just personal realization and acceptance.  Distance from my mother has been extremely hard…it will get easier.

To get away…

…all I seem to want these days is to get away.  I love being with my son, but as of late I want to disappear.  To disappear from the drama and the need to make an effort to co-exist with other people.  Sure it would be lonely at first, but I know that I would gain an appreciation of spending time with myself and would gain a sense of fulfillment with being by myself.  I need this before I im/explode.

Wow…I’m elated!

For the first time in close to a year I get to be at home ALL ALONE!!!  OMGoodneeeesssss…this is AMAZING!!!  Grammi took the baby for FIVE HOURS!!!  Let the greatness continue!!!

Love to you all!

Me. Instead of them and they.

This has been a very long journey for me!  Life that is.  And I’m only 34… =) One recent accomplishment has been very pleasing.  In my speech I tend to say them and they A LOT.  So much that I starting bubbling everyone into the same experience.  After having some of my greatest blessings bring this to my attention I have found such relief!  I’m now back to remembering that my experience/upbringing is personal to me.  I find more strength in telling my experience from the first person perspective.  Relief. =)

So many thoughts…

I have often considered one of my gifts/curses to be that I think about everything to the point where I finally find peaceful resolution.  Some have told me that I “over” think things.  I can see their point, but if I’m not finding resolution or closure with a thought then it tends to linger in my mind…eating away at me.  I process outwardly meaning that I want to talk about my feelings with others as a way to process.  I’ve been struggling with this method a lot recently asking myself why I need to seek the feedback of others.  On many occasions I have had success finding resolution by writing down my thoughts/feelings.

Also, as of late, I’ve been working on improving my self-value.  I realize now that I ask questions of others when a lot of the time I already know the answer…I just want the validation.  Ugh…this is really tough for me.  I want to know that someone else (someone that I trust/value) agrees and/or believes the same thing I do.

This is extremely tiring.  I’m now on a path of trying to stay within my own mind to move forward.  I wish myself the best of luck…lol.  =)